I know my words will never be enough. I know I write from a place of white privilege. I know I can never even begin to understand the horrors and persecution white people have facilitated for centuries. For this I am deeply remorseful. 

What a bizarre and worrying time it is right now. This past week has brought a rollercoaster of emotions for my family. Last week, we received news that our local schools (here in the suburbs of New York) were shutting to promote social distancing, to help halt the spread of COVID-19. Then on Saturday, I turned 40. Some anticlimax that was!

With celebrations planned in the city, we had to make the quick decision to cancel our plans. Instead, we took ourselves off to The Hamptons for a night, as a family. Whilst there, we walked on almost deserted beaches and gazed at the tranquil water......and took time to breathe. I tried to breathe away the stress that had engulfed my body, the stress that was creeping into my every pore, the stress that made me fear the worst, the stress that was clouding my every thought. I returned on Sunday, knowing that I had to pull myself together to maintain some normality for my children, to soothe their worries and reassure them that things would be OK, so long as we stayed together and followed the rules.

Monday brought the start of homeschooling. We attempted to establish a routine; a schedule was produced for each of my school-aged kids. I can't say that Monday was a good day. It simply wasn't! My pre-schooler asked for a play-date (on repeat) and questioned why she wasn't at nursery. My 3rd grader started out well and then became restless and tearful. My 5th grader looked at me like I was asking him to cut off his right arm when I requested he settle down to work. I ended up in tears, questioning my ability to parent and teach. I am a qualified teacher but honestly, teaching my own offspring brings challenges of its own! Again, I breathed through the madness and hoped that Tuesday would bring joy and smiles for all of us.

You can probably guess, it didn't! Although marginally better, we were still muddling through, trying to reach a compromise with work / rest / play time. What we were getting used to though, was being together all day in a more formal situation than the normal 'family time' we are used to. The kids affectionately referred to me as 'Teacher Mummy' and my expectations of what we were going to achieve during this distance-learning experiment, began to loosen. I realised that what we'll complete together may not be a typical classroom learning experience; instead it will be our experience of learning together in a difficult time.

This doesn't mean my children are not completing the assigned work (they most definitely are) but it means we are finding ways to share and experience learning that works for us as a family. This is so crucial to remember at this time. What looks to be the correct way of doing things for one family, may not work for another. Families are juggling all manner of challenges right now, not least comprehending the work set for their children! People are still having to work, care for young siblings, care for sick family members, search for scarce goods online (thanks toilet paper stockpilers), exercise, look after their mental health, stay sane. The list goes on and on.

One thing we've been consistent with this week, is time to get outside for fresh air and exercise (in whatever form). Thankfully, we are not yet on lock down, so we've played baseball in the backyard, done a neighbourhood scavenger hunt, ridden bikes in the street, walked in the sunshine and waved to others who are socially distancing. This may sound idyllic, and i'm not dismissing these precious family moments, but they have literally enabled us all to cool down from the stresses of being in close quarters and of navigating the homeschooling landscape.

I've seen many social media posts this past week, showing gorgeous scenes of children working diligently with adoring parents gazing on. That's wonderful and in some cases, probably the case. However, for many parents, feelings of worthlessness, confusion and anxiety are real. Some parents are heartbroken for their children. Exams that have been studied for are cancelled, proms have been called off, school trips have been written off and friends have been forced apart with little time to say goodbye. For these children and their parents, this time feels utterly depressing and brings rolls of concern and uncertainty. What I feel we all need to remember, is that this experience is so unique and requires a whole new set of emotional tools to help us through. We must reassure and equip our young students with the belief that this hideous time will strengthen their characters and they will emerge the other side with deeper resilience and of course, pride at all their achievements. Exams and results are indeed of critical importance but they should not be the only way by which we measure these principled and inspiring young people. 

These unusual circumstances have also given me time to reflect on how lucky we are that we can be together and that we have space to roam and escape for a few moments. I cannot begin to imagine how hard some families are finding this and my heart goes out to those who are struggling.

Moments of laughter have become like soul-food for us and it's how I ground myself (along with taking time to breathe). The importance of humour and laughter is more crucial than ever right now. The seriousness of the situation our world is facing is no laughing matter, yet we must all remember to try to keep smiling. One day soon, our playgrounds will be filled with excited chatter, our streets will buzz with cars, we'll hug our family and friends without a second thought and our conversations will not evolve around which store has toilet paper. We will look back at this time, knowing that we grew - as individuals, as families, as communities.

Please stay safe people. Keep to the rules set by our governments and we will eventually pull through this - together!

Sometimes, parenting is so bloody hard. You think the day is going swimmingly, then....bang! In my house, the mornings generally begin well. Despite me being in a perma-state of exhaustion (thanks to being blessed with three children who clearly think sleep is for the weak), I can usually drag my sorry form out of bed and am all smiles for my three babies.

Cue half an hour later and I'm an angry, impatient grump who is in desperate need of caffeine! The reasons for this are many and I'm sharing a few with you all in the hope that you can relate and that I'm not just a loony mum in need of a personality transplant!!

1) My children don't listen to me. They just seem to tune out when I chirp up for them to get dressed, brush their teeth etc. It's almost as if they internally decide to go slow-mo and whatever I say must be ignored at all costs. Naturally, this inability to follow my orders, generally ends with me morphing into Darth Vader, or a screeching, unhinged banshee!

2) My children would rather play with Lego than eat breakfast. Lego men are so much more exciting and enticing and whatever treats I can bribe them with at breakfast time pale into insignificance when pitted against the delights of moulded plastic men.

3) We argue about cereals. Each day brings a new slant to our banter. One day, it might be that I've served up far too much, the next day they don't have enough. The next day brings tears over the fact that I only have Weetabix left and the following day they insist on toast, when they know full well we don't have any bread in the house! Yes, breakfast times are full of joy and satisfied delight!

4) Suddenly, the cartoon they are watching on TV cannot be missed (despite them declaring the previous day that it was the worst cartoon in the world and they wouldn't watch it if it was the last thing on TV). Naturally, this means we run the risk of being late to finish our morning routine and in turn, we might be late for school. This scenario generally results in the TV remote being hidden in a high place and lots of huffing and puffing and declarations of 'that's soooooo unfair and you are soooooo mean!'

5) If we have managed to get dressed before having breakfast, one child always seems to spill something down themselves. Generally, this results in a partial or full change and yet more washing for mummy's ever increasing mountain. Double yay!!

6) One child declares they don't feel like going to school, setting off a chorus of fake illness claims and loud proclamations that school is boring and they'd much rather be at home with mummy (translation, they'd rather be at home under a snuggly blanket, with an i-pad glued to their fingers).

7) We always lose a glove, hat, shoe, snack as we are prepping ourselves to leave the house. I mean, they were there yesterday. Who the frig takes these things?!

8) Just as I cross the threshold, ready and dressed to leave....one child needs the toilet. This is despite the fact that I've asked them to go numerous times prior to this crucial moment. Why then do they choose that specific time to realise they in fact need a mammoth poo session? Why?!

9) On the way to school, there is always some issue or another. Dog poo left on the pavement causes a lot of trauma (for obvious reasons - clean it up people!!). Usually though, we are walking too fast, or too slow, or their bags are far too heavy and are loaded onto an already top heavy buggy, that threatens to launch itself into the road at any given moment!

10) We get to school and they transform into space cadet mode. In other words, I appear to have two children who have never been to school before and need precise guidance on where to put bags, coats, books etc. I mean, what mother doesn't want to get wedged into a miniature cloakroom with stinky PE bags, whilst their child socialises and shares details of their latest Minecraft creation with a friend?

Must dash boys......the baby is crying! I NEED COFFEE!

Being a mummy is, for me, the most amazing, precious gift I have received. I adore my three children with a boundless passion. I put them first in pretty much every thing I do and I think about them constantly. I guess that is what motherhood is, right?

However, sometimes I just wish for a little more time to myself. Sometimes, I'd like to curl up on my bed and sleep....sleep until I wake naturally, not until I hear a cry or murmur from another room. Sometimes, I'd like to have a day completely to myself, when I don't have to think about sorting laundry, emptying the dishwasher, cooking, cleaning sinks, setting out school uniform.

I know these thoughts are due to my current exhausted state but they are there, nonetheless, and with increasing regularity. Since my third child was born, I've hardly had any time away from her. I am not saying, in any way, that I haven't enjoyed my time with her. I've actually loved it and feel so privileged. As time races on, I am acutely aware of its passing and whilst I adore and feel hugely proud with each milestone my children reach, I also feel a deep sense of sadness that things are moving so quickly. However, there comes a point when everyone needs and deserves, some proper time off and that does not mean we are wishing time away!

I am in no way being ungrateful for the life I have with my beautiful children. Yet, I presently feel that I am running out of gas. I've been really rather run down lately - urine, ear and throat infections have set me back. However, my circumstances dictate that I have to soldier on regardless. I know and am thankful for the fact that my husband works hard in his career to support our family. Nevertheless, I can't help but envy his time sitting on the train, his time chatting to colleagues about things other than family life, his time spent squeezing in a bit of exercise because he doesn't have a child / children to be responsible for at that point.

I've written before about 'me-time' but taking my own advice and properly switching off seems to be an impossibility. So why do I find it so hard? I guess I worry that things won't get done if I step back for a while. I get anxious, worrying that the children will need me whist I'm not there. I imagine them going out without hats and scarves on a cold day, or not eating properly. Is it just me? Am I totally neurotic? In actual fact, I think many mums can identify with this and the issues we imagine grow and multiply, simply because we love our children so very much and only ever want them to be happy, safe and secure. Protective, nurturing mothers are a force to be reckoned with, that's for sure!

Dangerously though, running on empty is not giving our children, or our partners, the best of us. When I'm tired, make that exhausted, I'm grumpy, uptight and anxious. I'm unable to think clearly and even less able to make reasoned decisions. This is not the mummy my children need, but sadly, it's the one they sometimes see. I try not to let this get me down, yet it makes me feel guilty and pretty inadequate at times.

My awareness of my own needs gets pushed to the back of my mind constantly. I don't have time to languish in my own self pity (neither do I want to). My children need me and all the energy I have is dedicated to them. However, this sometimes brings me close to a state of being a perpetual robot. Someone who just does, without thinking, or being mindful.

Therefore, it feels quite important to begin to make some small changes. Perhaps that class at the gym will be hugely beneficial for me? Maybe seeing a friend for coffee (without the kids in tow), is achievable? Plus, feeling guilty will not be allowed! Me time will enable the best version of me that I can give, because time off facilitates clearer thinking and reflection, thus leaving a less-stressed and happier mother.  

Note to self: You are a wonderful, loving mother but you will not allow yourself to run on empty.

So, it's only taken me 11 months (almost) but I'm feeling a little more like 'me'. It's been a tricky one, third time round. Not that it wasn't tough after having my other two babies but juggling three has been a huge adjustment for all of us.

My confidence, at times, has been pretty low. I've had bouts of extreme self doubt - about where I'm heading career wise, about my abilities as a mum of three, about life in general. What is refreshing, from talking to friends and other mums, from following some amazing accounts on Instagram, is that we all have moments like this. Feeling challenged and stretched is pretty normal and it's OK to talk about it!

I've blogged before about a motto I've begun to use. One I can relate to in a really profound way. That word is 'mumfidence.'

"All mums, even though they may not believe it, show huge amounts of tenacity and resilience. They are patient and forgiving, firm yet fair and have an innate ability to juggle a myriad of tasks. Their 'mumfidence' is what makes them unique and subtly shines out of them, thus propelling the tiny humans they have produced into the big wide world."

For me, this motto really resonates. Although it's essentially a play on the word confidence, I think it brings real meaning to the post-partum period and beyond. When I think about being mumfident, I imagine myself in a positive light. I imagine a mum that takes the rough days with the smooth and who accepts that parenting can be a potent mixture of pure and absolute love and wanting to hide and run away from whining and epic tantrums!

Being mumfident, is like sticking your middle finger up to parenting manuals and doing what works for you, your kids and your family unit. It doesn't really matter what others think of you, or your parenting methods. What matters is your belief in your abilities as a parent. It's OK to self-doubt sometimes too - we all have those shit days - but accept it, process it and move on. Tomorrow is a new day, after all.

Since having Hattie, I've been wanting to claw back a tiny part of my own mumfidence. I have been working on the beginnings of a small scale project, which I hope to grow. I've used my special word to create a product range that will hopefully appeal to others who are also re-discovering their confidence after having children. I am beginning with one product and I hope that you will like it. I've purposefully started small, as I am still dedicating most of my time to my three monkeys! Nevertheless, I am beavering away when I can and who knows where my ideas might lead?!

I have the upmost admiration for any mother trying to work around her family. It certainly is not easy! However, I'm giving it a go and hope you'll support me as I develop my little business and of course, my blog!

So, whilst I down my daily coffees and obliterate my eye bags with the latest make up fad - I'm going to prove my mumfidence to the world, one step at a time!

Take a look at my little product range here!